Invisible Violence

[Admin@Serampore]

Domestic abuse isn't only about broken limbs and bruises. Many women suffer from daily belittling, verbal assault, and emotional battery that are every bit as damaging — and equally unacceptable.

By Whitney Joiner

Danielle Malmquist had just finished her master's degree in real estate development at a Los Angeles university when she met John* six years ago. John was a charming FedEx pilot who supported her career and made her romantic dinners. "He was fun, full of life, and interested in the same things I was," says Danielle, now 36. "I really fell hard for him."

But a few months into the relationship, Danielle saw a different side of John. One night, she'd planned to see a play with her friend Alan. When she told John, he asked Danielle to cancel her plans. She gently refused, and on the night of the play, John stopped by Danielle's house, "just so we can spend some time together before you leave," he said.

"Wow, he seems really possessive," Alan remarked as he and Danielle drove off. "He's just a little jealous," Danielle explained. "He'll get over it." That evening, John called Danielle repeatedly on her cell phone. Annoyed, Danielle didn't answer — and for the next few days, she ignored his calls. When she did agree to talk, Danielle was honest with John: "I don't think we're going to work out," she told him. Furious, John told Danielle that Alan "wanted more" from her. "Men aren't 'just friends' with women!" he raged.

We're through, Danielle said to herself as John berated her for hanging out with Alan. But a week later, John sent her roses and begged for her forgiveness. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I realize I was wrong. I didn't mean to be so extreme. I'm just going through so much stress at work; this isn't like me at all."

Well, nobody's perfect, Danielle thought. Besides, she wanted to believe John — she was in love with him and he said he'd realized his mistakes — so she took him back.

Five months later, Danielle found out she was pregnant, and John proposed. Certain she wanted to have the baby, Danielle married him. Shortly after their son, Avin, was born, John suggested that Danielle stay home with the baby. But once Danielle was home full-time, John started to find fault in everything about her: how she cared for the baby ("You're really not a good mother," he'd tell her), how she looked ("You've put on a lot of weight"), and her ability to take care of him ("You've been home all day! You could at least make me dinner!"). When they were out with friends, John rolled his eyes whenever Danielle offered an opinion about politics. "She doesn't know what she's talking about," he'd say. His rage-filled explosions began happening more frequently, taking on a pattern: John would criticize Danielle's housekeeping and accuse her of being a bad wife and mother; she'd start to cry; he'd say that her reaction meant she was suffering from postpartum depression — or that she was going crazy. Sometimes he would apologize, sort of: "I'm sorry," he'd say after an outburst. "It's just that you're pissing me off."

What am I doing to make him this angry? Danielle asked herself when John berated her. She always acquiesced to his demands — being vigilant about the housekeeping, trying to keep Avin from crying — but that didn't seem to calm him down. Is he right? Am I a bad mom? Am I going crazy? she wondered. Truthfully, Danielle didn't know anymore, and the more John questioned her sanity, the more she began to believe him. She wished she could get an outside perspective, but she'd stopped calling her sisters and her friends; they didn't like John, and Danielle didn't want to give them any more ammunition against him. "I wanted to make my marriage work," says Danielle. By then, protecting John and their marriage seemed more important to Danielle than her own peace of mind.

After I return to work, we'll go back to normal, Danielle repeatedly reassured herself. But soon she was pregnant with their second child, and the shift in their relationship that she'd hoped for never happened. Instead, she coped the only way she knew how: by walking on eggshells around him, hoping not to upset him, and constantly trying, in vain, to be a "better" wife and mother. Finally, after four years of marriage, Danielle caught John in an affair — and she seized the opportunity to leave him. When Danielle met with her legal advocate, Rosa, to discuss her separation agreement, she told Rosa about John's consistently controlling behavior.

"Okay, let's list all the abuse," Rosa said, pushing a sheet of paper toward Danielle.

"Oh, there was no abuse," Danielle said, pushing the paper back to Rosa.

"He never yelled and screamed at you? Called you names? Disrespected you? Trivialized you? Blamed you?" Rosa continued.

"Sure," Danielle said. "But he didn't abuse me."

"Danielle," Rosa said, leaning forward in her chair, "that is abuse."